Age 16
*At home, as I'm completely unsuspecting of the horror about to unfold*
Dad: So, I think I need to talk to you about sex.
Dad: There are some things that I think you-
Me: NO.
Dad: -should really know. For instance, do you know what a blowjob is?
Dad: It's when a woman-
*I flee from the room shrieking "NO NO NO NO NO" at the top of my lungs*

Age 17
*Eating lunch at the kitchen table with Mom, while I was in mid-drink*
Mom *matter-of-factly*: So, are you a virgin?
*Clean-up ensues*

Age 19
*The day before I leave for college*
*Dad walks into room, drops economy-sized box of condoms on the bed*
Dad: I don't want to know.
*Dad exits room*

Age 21
*While out to dinner with Mom*
Mom: So...are you seeing anyone?
Me: No.
Mom: you think you might be seeing anyone any time soon?
Me: Nope.
Mom *after a long pause, hesitantly*: Well...are you gay?
Me: Jesus, mom, no-*
Mom: Because it's totally ok if you are!
Me: No, mom. No, I'm not gay.

Age 21, the next day
*At home with Dad*
Me: Mom asked me at dinner yesterday if I was gay.
Dad: Yeah, she asked me if I thought you were about a week ago.
Me: ...what did you say?
Dad: I laughed at her. Pretty sure I'd have figured it out by now if you were gay.


*This reaction was not based on any negative perception of homosexuality (my parents raised me better than that), but entirely on a feeling of "you'd think you'd know that considering you raised me" and also because AWKWARD.