You. Yeah, you regular commenters. WTF is your damage? Who wastes their time becoming valued, consistently funny regulars on some total dipstick’s food blog?! NERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDS.

Kitchenette started with Foods That Should Not Exist. Though that series is now long-retired, let’s end this sumbitch (more or less) exactly how we started it.

OregonBeast: Come on, nobody from Oregon is a beast. Everybody from Oregon smokes Fair Trade chocolate and shits pure granola. Prove me wrong: PUNCH THIS HERE TOFU.

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hellkell: Ohhh, you think you’re so clever with your rhyming name, don’t you? MY GRANDFATHER WAS KILLED BY A ROGUE RHYMING COUPLET AT A POETRY SLAM. Ricocheted off someone’s beret and hit him right in the iambic pentameter. Don’t you feel bad now, YOU INSENSITIVE ASS?

Third Amendment Man: Pfft, the Third Amendment isn’t even real! Everyone knows the US Constitution skips from two to four. What does your fake non-Amendment even do, outlaw beaver-humping? Pick a real Amendment, like the 20th Amendment. Now there’s a fuckin’ Amendment!

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Antigone: What is that, some Greek shit? Pfft, everyone knows the Byzantines were a far superior ancient empire; just look at their headgear. All civilizations should be judged by the quality of their headgear, btw.

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Miss Chanandler Bong: I hate you for forcing me to admit that I immediately understood that reference.

Satan: Nah, no way. I’m not looking to piss off the Princess of Darkness. We’re cool.

Ken Yadiggit: NO, I CANNOT DIG IT. We don’t even use shovels on Kinja, what is this horseshit?!

nerdybirdy: You think you’re so special. What great, all-encompassing, utterly inescapable meme have YOU ever contributed to the Kitchenette discourse? ...wait, fuck.

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AssFault on the Highway to Hell: I liked you better when you were the Guacamole Safety Council. Come on, people need to be warned about the dangers of Guacamole. Probably sold out to Big Avocado, YOU TRAITOR.

Frank Underboob: Whatever, nobody watches Netflix-exclusive shows, NERD. *surreptitiously closes devoted Jessica Jones tab*

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32 Footsteps: Ugh, nobody cares about your stupid...foot...boner? Wait, I fucked that up, didn’t I?

goddessoftransitory: This is a pretty good Kinja name, tbh. Props.

B: Hey, fuck you for giving me absolutely nothing to work with here. Your name is a fucking letter, for Christ’s sake.

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John Boehner: Fuck you because there’s literally no joke I could make about your name that hasn’t been made like a billion goddamn times already. Goddamit, at least maybe sylphides would’ve given me SOMETHING to work with.

Beefstrike: MORE LIKE WEEKOLDSPAMSTRIKE, AMIRITE

Smoak on the Water: Look at this dingus, can’t even spell smoke right. Bro, do you even Deep Purple?

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Mangini in a Bottle: Hehe, you said “bottle.”

MisterMcGibblets: When it comes to Organ Meat-Americans, I much prefer your Scottish-American cousin, MisterMcHaggis.

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Ridureyu: YOUR NAME IS WEIRD AND DUMB AND I DON’T LIKE IT BECAUSE I AM A WHITE MAN WHO FEARS CHANGE AND THE UNKNOWN, SO THERE.

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Darkest Timeline Zach Morris: You’re totally full of shit about being the darkest timeline version of Zach Morris. You probably don’t even have a goatee. You’re like the 14th-darkest timeline Zach Morris, at worst.

OMG! Ponies!: OMG! Consistently hilarious comments that thoroughly upstage my dumb jokes, YOU ASSHOLE.

actually_callie: Are you actually callie? The callie to end all callies? The ur-callie from which all callie-kind hath been wrought in times of ancient myth and legend? I AM DUBIOUS.

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SessileRaptor: How dare you make me learn things, like what “sessile” means. HOW DARE YOU, SIR.

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Abyss_: This commenter has everything. Including an underscore in their name, for some reason. Pfft, whatever, a real punctuation enthusiast would know the em-dash is way better than the underscore.

IAMRU2: NO I AM NOT ALSO, YOU DIDGERIDOO-HUMPING...um...vegemite...wallaby…? Fuck, what do you even say to fake-insult an Australian?

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Eldritch: You’re probably not even an actual Lovecraftian horror summoned from the depths of R’lyeh, you goddamned fraud.

Umrguy42: What the fuck, man? How the hell do we even pronounce your name? Is it “you mr. guy 42,” or “um err guy 42” or “humor guy 42” or “Kelsey Grammer” or what? Your name makes my brain hurt.

moriarty’s ringtone: The fuck are you trying to pull here?! Moriarty lived long before ringtones, in the late 19th century! I’m pretty sure everyone was using default-ring flip phones back then. Also, Moriarty was a fictional character! YOUR NAME MAKES NO SENSE.

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adultosaur: you are neither a dinosaur, nor are you particularly an adult. clearly, you are lying on two counts. who’s the assbutt now?! (it’s still me)

I love each and every one of you—including those I unaccountably missed and/or could not think of a stupid non-joke for (hi, RerTV, VonQueso, Editor-in-Grief, and so many others)—deeply. To anyone I passed over, you have my heartfelt apologies. Feel free to tweet at me and I’ll try to rectify the situation. All of you—you beautiful, deranged lunatics—are what made this whole crazy ride worthwhile. Well, that and getting to work without having to wear pants. Six of one, really.

See you around, guys.


Contact the author at WilyUbertrout@gmail.com, or follow him on Twitter @EyePatchGuy. Starting today, you can also find him on Wonkette.